Today while I was leaving Target I stopped to give a mom a hand. She had a toddler and TWINS (that’s right 2 babies at once people!) She had this cool seat that you put in your cart so both babies can ride and I commented how I wish I had one of those when my kids were small. As I walked away I realized that I don’t have babies anymore, I have kids… maybe even Big Kids. In that 50 foot walk from her minivan to mine I fought to hold in the tears (I’m fighting them right now too.) How is it possible? How did they grow up so fast? I miss those babies. But my thoughts quickly turned from nostalgic memories of nursing an infant to self destructing thoughts like “wow you missed so much” and “man you should have played more peek-a-boo and cleaned less.” It’s been a theme over the past 5 years now, I feel like I have done it all wrong. I keep searching for a way to “fix” myself or be a better mom, wife, friend, etc. But what if this is it? What if I don’t need to be fixed? What if this is just exactly how my life is supposed to be and I am missing it all worrying about how to be better?
30 is Pretty Awesome
I am about to be 35, isn’t this the perfect time to stop and live? I mean c’mon now, your 30s are pretty good years. If you are like me you have already found your partner, you are out of the diapers and bottles phase, and you probably have a lot more stability than you did in your 20s. In your 30s you still feel young and alive and you care less and less about what everyone else is doing. I was recently reminded how great my 30s are when I joined a gym last month. I walked in there on the first day and gave zero f#@*s that I was the new girl and guess what? No one else did either! I am really giving it my all and trying to enjoy the time right now!
Sometimes I really get stuck in a rut of trying to make everything better. I forget how great my life really is. We live a comfortable life, I mean we aren’t rolling in piles of cash but we are better than okay. I don’t worry how we will feed our family. I don’t go to sleep at night wondering if our car will be repossessed. But that’s just money stuff, we are far more rich in family and friends! We have two beautiful healthy children! We have a rock solid marriage that has been going strong for 11 years! We have friends and family that would drop everything to be here by or side if we needed them. So then why do I feel the need to be better, better than I am? or better than I was?
I’m sure there are any number of reasons, but for me I feel like I see myself as a HELPER. Kids need help, I am there. Husband needs me to run an errand, I am on it. Friend needs me to pick up their kid, you bet I can. In fact I offer to help people even when they don’t want my freaking help! And then I get upset that they reject my help… only seconds later to feel overwhelmed by the number of people that need my help. The HELPER has kinda become my identity, and I feel lost without it. I take on too much and then I take on a little more because I am no quitter. Eventually I am spent, I have nothing left to give. But here is thing, while it’s happening I love it. I live for the chaos of rushing around and always having someplace to be or something to do. I don’t know how to relax or just go with the flow. It’s not something I have ever done really well, and I’m not sure why.
I don’t think being the HELPER is a bad quality, I don’t think I need to fix it. I think I just need a reset. Just a few days to remember what I really care about most in life. During this reset I need to focus on what I want more of, not what I am doing wrong or what needs changed. It’s like pushing the button on the old Nintendo system when your game would freeze up. It doesn’t matter what happened before, I can only work on what I want to happen now. Resets are so important to me and lately I have just pushed them off my to do list. I got so caught up in being better that I had forgotten that I am already pretty good.
What is next?
Over the next few weeks I am going to figure out how to make sure I get more of what I want. I’ll be sharing my tips on how to review your current situation, renew your love, and reset your plan. Join me…