“Mama what you doing?” was not the sound I wanted to hear at 6:15 this morning when I was trying to get a jump on my batch cooking for this month.
“Making muffins buddy, and why are you…”
G interrupted before I could finish “Can I help?”
In this moment I wanted to say NOOOOOOO!!! Go back to bed. I have so much to do. I took a deep breath and said “Sure” instead and I am so happy I did.
I have been trying to take tips from fellow blogging Moms like Shawn and Rachael about living in the moment, being more peaceful and enjoying my children. I had a horrible realization a few days ago that made me really rethink what I am doing as a parent. I was trying to finish paying bills during naptime when G came down the stairs, he had been in bed for about 45 minutes and I needed him to sleep longer. I commanded him to go back to bed, whiney and crying ensues and I start to yell.
“I just want you to read me a book Mom.”
“I just want you to rest so I can finish this chore.”
“How about I go get a book you can read to me?”
“Go get a book and read it in your bed.”
“I have to go poop”
Three minutes later G is crying because his pants got wet while he was going. Now I am pissed. Why did he have to pee on his pants? I storm up the stairs escort him to his room and thrust a pair of clean clothes at him, all the while he is crying and apologizing. Then. It. Hits. Me. He is 3. He isn’t doing this on purpose. He just wanted to cuddle with a book. Why didn’t I stop and read to him? Was it so hard to pay bills later? Why was I so ugly to him? Why didn’t I help him to the potty? Why was I such an awful Mother? If you have never felt what I felt in that moment staring at my little boy, the boy that I would die for, I hope you never do. I broke down in tears and scooped him up. I held him and sobbed until he brushed back my hair and saw my tears. “Don’t cry Mama, it’s going to be okay.” My 3 year old is now comforting me. What have I done to deserve such a gift?
We sat on his bed and talked. I asked him what he wanted most from Mommy. His answer “Just be with me.” Four words that I needed to hear. Four words that could not be anymore true. Four words that I have repeated over and over in my head since he said them.
Why do I have such a hard time Just being with my children? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because I love to be busy. I love to multitask and I rarely work on one thing at a time. Maybe it’s because I feel like my to do list is soooo long, I need to tackle it right now. Maybe it’s because (I have never shared this before) I really don’t know how to play with my kids. I don’t ever remember my mother or grandparents playing with me. We lived on a block with only 1 other family with children and they were much younger than me, most of my time was spent with the horses or in front of the TV.
Making steps toward just being with them has been harder than I expected. It will take time and patience, but I am reaping the rewards already. This morning was filled with giggles while baking muffins and stirring soups. They both loved playing with moon dough in the yard and I even joined in to see what the fuss was all about. Now they are napping and I am finishing what I can of my batch cooking and thinking of more ways to connect with my children.
Have you ever had a moment like mine?
How did you go about making sure it doesn’t happen again?
Do you have a favorite blog about peaceful, calm, or in the moment parenting?
4 thoughts on “Just Be With Me”
I have tears streaming down my face right now because I did the same thing the other day. Got frustrated over potty training, got upset over another interruption when I was busy. Yelled at my little guy (2.5) and said “what do you want from me?!?!”,as if he could understand my frustration when all he wanted was me. Since that moment, I’m trying to remember that I won’t get this time back. Not with him, not ever. Most important thing is that we learn and do better. :0) reminds me of the song from Phil vassar…”don’t miss your life.”
Thank you for making this post to at least help me to see that it happens and we are all human.
What an incredibly brave, honest, authentic, and loving mother you are. It takes courage to admit what you have admitted here, but I thank you for this. We have all been where you were. Oh yes, more than I would like to admit, I have looked into my child’s face and felt so small in her forgiving eyes. But we are human … and we give so much of ourselves that in our rare moments of “alone time” we just want to be alone! I am honored to be mentioned as an inspiration to you. Know that I applaud your honesty and the fact that you are trying to take small steps to “BE” with your children. In my view, “trying” counts for something … something that matters A LOT. Keep trying, my friend, and I will, too.
Rachel thank you so much for your kind words and your blog. I read it often and try to live as Hands Free as I can. baby steps…